


Catalyst

by quiesce



Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-03
Updated: 2009-05-03
Packaged: 2017-10-04 06:43:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quiesce/pseuds/quiesce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is clause after clause in his contract and they can all be summed up like this: don't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Catalyst

**Author's Note:**

> For dani, without whom I wouldn't know who Adam was. And thanks to [](http://llaras.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**llaras**](http://llaras.dreamwidth.org/) for the beta.

There is clause after clause in his contract and they can all be summed up like this: don't.

And so he doesn't. Doesn't even think about it. Mostly.

And mostly it's easy because who has time to think about it when there are directors screaming in his ear to speed things up and producers signalling frantically at him off stage and judges to cut off because somehow it's his fault when they veer wildly off topic and then judges again to ego stroke because it's also his job to make sure they don't throw live hissy fits and contestants to taxi around the stage because god knows some of them couldn't find their marks if their lives depended on it and then other contestants to handhold through "what is your name"-type questions because -- and Ryan's positive there have been enough seasons now that he has a large enough sample size to publish a statistically sound paper on the matter -- there is little to no correlation between the ability to reproduce strings of words in a song when someone else wrote them for you and the ability to string words together on your own when speaking.

But there's always a moment, right after the cameras are cut for the last time of the night, when the on-air façade drops and there's nothing but relief on his face because he made it through another episode without doing or saying anything inappropriate. And then the moment passes quickly, because it has to, because even if the cameras aren't rolling, there's still the audience watching, and the judges and crew milling about, and the rest of the contestants gathered around him on stage and he's pretty sure that at least one or two of them might notice if he dragged Adam over to the stools, pushed him to his knees, and started mussing up his artfully done hair, twisting it in his fingers as he guides Adam's head back and forth.

And fucking Simon fucking knows. He always catches Ryan's eyes right in that moment and waggles a finger at him, eyes twinkling, and everyone else assumes it's some private joke the two of them share or that Simon's admonishing him for some quip made on air. And some nights Ryan's grateful for the visual reminder that no, he really really can't act on impulse, not in general, and definitely not in front of everyone. And other nights he just wants to wipe the smug grin off Simon's face because it's really not fucking fair, Simon standing there, lording it over him, taunting him that he knows what Ryan wants and, more importantly, knows that Ryan can't ever have it.

And when they meet up later for their now-routine post show fuck, it always comes back to what Ryan had been thinking in that moment when their eyes met. The grateful nights, when Ryan's nothing but raw need, when he's shaking before their clothes are even half off, pent up anticipation from having had to be so close to Adam without letting the slightest bit of impropriety slip through, on those nights Simon stays uncharacteristically quiet, knowing he's not much more than a body right then but not really caring because god knows Ryan's been the same for him more than once in seasons past, but mostly just because it's Ryan.

And when it's not just need and gratitude, but anger and frustration thrown in the mix, on those nights they both walk away bruised. There's backing into walls and pushing to the floor and grappling for control. Ryan calls Simon an asshole and Simon laughs in his face because, honestly, like he hadn't been called that a thousand times over long before he ever met Ryan. And Simon goads him, whispers in Ryan's ear, asks him if he noticed how tight Adam's pants were, if he's jealous that Simon's the one, not Ryan, that he keeps making eye contact with when he sings, calls Ryan a naughty, filthy boy in that fucking accent of his.

And for all that Ryan loves and respects Simon, he hates him too. Hates that Simon always knows which buttons to press and what words will send him over the edge. Hates that Simon sees exactly what Adam does to him and just teases him about it, week after week, finger wagging. And sometimes when Simon's got him pinned to the floor, when he can do nothing but squirm as Simon details uses for Adam's mouth that Ryan hadn't even thought of yet, uses that -- Simon is clear to point out -- Ryan will never actually get to experience, Ryan thinks about quitting. Simon, Idol, everything. Grab Adam and run off to some clothing-optional island in the middle of nowhere and live out the rest of his days there. And ok, maybe Simon can come too if he behaves.

And of course Simon sees all that too and tells Ryan to get over himself and it's always at this point that Ryan musters all his strength, bucks Simon off him, and slides into a position where they're more on equal footing, and it's fast fast fast and they lock eyes as they come, challenging, because it's always a competition between them on nights like this.

And they never bother to talk much after because they both know it is what it is -- and doesn't it make Ryan want to scream every time he accidentally applies that particular phrase to whatever it is that Simon and he are doing with each other -- and what it is has never been about them sleeping -- in the actual sleep sense -- together and because it's been a long fucking day and they want nothing more than to head back to their respective beds and because there's another show tomorrow and they both know they'll be back here again soon enough.


End file.
